You’re stuck in the middle playing tug of war for control.
Why?
Because what you want is getting further away from what you have, and the widening gap is filling up with stress.
In a tug of war two sides battle for control of the outcome — to pull the other side over. As the sides pull against each other, the stress on the rope increases tremendously. In extreme cases, the rope snaps due to the stress. It always snaps at its weakest point. Its weakest point is usually always the middle. Best not to get stuck in the middle of two forces pulling in opposing directions.
When financial difficulty struck my employer and bankruptcy threatened, I was faced with the very real prospect of job loss. I felt the tension rise as the rope tightened. A fictitious tug of war had begun.
But as uncomfortable as this war was, I learned 3 valuable lessons about control that will help prevent you from being torn apart by stress.
My prospects heaved forcefully in one direction whilst my desires desperately tried to hold ground. The tension became unbearable. My stress levels increased. Worry drained the colour from my face as I struggled to comprehend how to control the outcome.
My mind lurched back to the last two downturns I’d been through, I’d only just recovered from the last one, and now I was having to face this. It seemed unfair, but then I’d learned to stop complaining about that years ago. Instead, I reminded myself of what those experiences had taught me, and that opportunity always comes out of adversity, if you look hard enough for it.
The battle for control I was in was caused by expectations. I had these for my family, my career, and my finances. They were based on how I’d interpreted the information within my environment, my interpretation of reality. And now this interpretation was being challenged, and my expectations pulled apart.
Maybe you’re facing a similar situation right now. Life is heading in one direction, and unfortunately, it’s not the direction you want. You’re stuck in the middle fighting for control, and your stress levels are rising.
From experience, I knew that the worst outcome doesn’t always happen, but also that it sometimes does. You know this too. Experience has also taught us that we can’t always control the outcome, nor that we’ll always know what it will be.
A lot of the stress you feel comes from thinking you can control both.
So the first thing I had to do, to reduce the tension on the rope, was accept all of this — that I couldn’t control the outcome and I didn’t know what it would be. Note this does not mean giving up — it simply means acknowledging that you can’t control everything.
My head raced with thoughts as I considered what I could do to improve my situation. Following the previous experiences, I had become more vigilant in saving money and had built some savings, so I knew to add more now was within my control and would provide at least some limited protection. I registered with recruitment agencies — although somewhat reluctantly as I did not want to leave — but again this was within my control to do, so I did it. I also started studying again to learn more skills and improve my chances of finding work.
These actions helped me focus on the things I could control, and by doing so I was able to slacken the tension in the rope some more and reduce the stress.
There are areas that will be within your control too, and this is where your energy should go. Find out what these areas are.
As the situation developed bankruptcy seemed certain. The obvious action was to pursue an alternative opportunity for employment. The problem was I didn’t want it and I knew taking it would only be an emotional reaction to my situation. I had to get past the emotion and look at all my options. Sometimes these aren’t obvious.
When you’re stressed out trying to control something that’s out of your control, you’re mentally and physically exhausted. This is not the time to be making major decisions.
You have to do what you can to clear your head and think things through before committing. There are always options, even when they’re not obvious.
To enrich the picture that I had, I did some research. I read what I could on companies that had gone through this process, and I asked questions. From what I learned, I decided that playing this out might open opportunities. It was a risk, but it was one I chose to take.
I couldn’t control the outcome of the decision. I had already accepted this wasn’t within my control. But I wasn’t giving up either. I was doing what I could to reduce the stress of the situation by focusing on what was within my control, and then assessing my options within those areas.
Fortunately, on this occasion, this decision was correct. The company was taken over by new investors who restructured, and this created new opportunities.
These opportunities wouldn’t have been possible had I taken the obvious choice. Maybe leaving would have worked out too, I have no way of knowing. This isn’t about always making the right decision, it’s about learning to evaluate your options when you don’t appear to have any.
Experiences like these are mentally exhausting, but if you follow these lessons you should take enough stress out of the battle to prevent the rope from snapping.
Lesson 1 — Accept that control is an illusion
An illusion deceives through misinterpretation. Very often we’re deceived into thinking we’re in control because of how we interpret the information we have.
The problem is, we seldom hold all the information we need to be sure. I thought I knew the next job I would take. I was ready for it, I had been told I would move into it, I could see it happening, and then it didn’t. I could not see the extent of the financial problems coming until it was too late.
You see, you will never completely be in control of anything, ever. Accept it. The best preparation in the world will not prevent a misplaced step, a life-changing diagnosis, or a global recession. Sure it will reduce the odds of this happening, and that’s why preparation is important, but nothing is foolproof.
Once you accept this, some of the pressure you’ve felt will dissipate. And that’s because most of the pressure you’re feeling is self-imposed, everybody else already knows you’re not in control of everything, so they don’t expect you to be. Only you expects you to be. By accepting that you cannot control every event, you reduce the pressure you’ve felt by thinking you can.
Lesson 2 — Understand the difference between the things you can control and those you cant
Sometimes it’s not obvious, and that’s one of the reasons the Serenity pray is helpful.
The serenity prayer —
God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
You must understand the difference.
I thought I was in control of my career because I had prepared for the next role and was lined up to take it. It was never within my control, not even without the bankruptcy. The best you can do is prepare and take your chance if it comes along. Preparation is entirely within your control, however.
Make a list of and sort out the things you can control (at least to some extent) from those you can’t. The purpose of this exercise is twofold:
- It makes your current situation a little less overwhelming when you see it for what it is.
- It provides you with focus so you don’t continue to waste energy in areas out with your control.
Lesson 3 — Before you act, consider your options — there are always options
This might seem so obvious to you that it’s not worth stating, but you’d be surprised how easy it is to only see the immediate choice.
The company you work for is heading for bankruptcy so you decide you’d better find a new job and leave. That’s the obvious choice right. But is that your only option? Had I done this I wouldn’t have moved into the position I’m in now which has opened up greater possibilities for the future.
You might not get your life back to where you want it to be immediately, but you will at least have prevented yourself from making a knee jerk reaction.
Particularly when we’re losing control, our focus narrows and we jump at the first ‘obvious’ choice we have. But this is exactly the time when we need to hold our nerve and think things through.
Write down your options. Choose the one that best fits your long term needs.
Being stuck in the middle of anything is usually unpleasant, and stress is often a result. To avoid being torn apart trying to control the outcome, accept that it was never really yours to control in the first place. Then, consider your options and make the best choices you can.
